


Lee Gets Mauled By a Bear

by cannibalcake



Category: Battlestar Galactica, Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, badfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-13
Updated: 2013-03-13
Packaged: 2017-12-05 05:05:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/719189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cannibalcake/pseuds/cannibalcake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The title pretty much says it all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lee Gets Mauled By a Bear

Lee Adama sighed contentedly, enjoying the cool air of a fine New Caprican day as he shoved another piece of bread into his mouth. He heard a rustling in the trees beside him. "Hewwo?" he inquired to the trees, attempting to swallow the chewy crust. This time he saw the trees moving and what looked to be a large furry figure disappearing into the woods. "What the frak was that?" he wondered aloud.

"What?" came a voice from behind him, causing Lee to wheel around in surprise to find Laura Roslin smiling at him.

"Oh, you startled me!" Lee responded.

"Sorry," she said with a hint of amusement in her voice. Lee noticed something that appeared to be a cigarette between her thumb and forefinger, although he very much doubted its contents were strictly tobacco. Following his eyes, Laura brought the smoking object to her lips and inhaled deeply before holding it out to him. "Wanna hit?" Lee eyed the joint warily, remembering the 'Peer Pressure' posters from his early schooling. He swallowed nervously and Laura rolled her eyes. "For frak's sake, Lee, it's only a bit of ganj. There's no need to be so dramatic."

"I know," he protested, reaching out to accept the reefer. "I used to get high all the time!"

"I see," she said, making a half-assed attempt to mask her skepticism as she watched Lee gently pull on the joint before erupting into a violent coughing fit, dropping her neatly rolled spliff to the ground. She sighed and leaned over to pick it up while he continued to choke and sputter. Laura retrieved a lighter from her cleavage to revive the joint as Lee began to recover, his coughs becoming softer and more sporadic. "So," she said, "What was it you were freaking out about when I arrived?"

"I wasn't freaking out," he wheezed. "I just thought I saw something...in the woods. I dunno...it looked kinda like...a bear. A big bear…you know, fur – claws, large claws.”

"Um, whatever you were smoking before I came along must have been even better than this," she snorted. "There aren't any bears on this planet."

I definitely saw something," he insisted, "and it looked big and furry and certainly not drug induced!"

"Okie dokey," Laura conceded, looking around trying to find an escape. "Er...I've got some...school things to do," she lamely managed. "I'll definitely catch you later before you head back to the Pegasus, though." She smiled politely and hurried off, leaving Lee alone with his now echoing thoughts of large land-mammals.

"I did see something," he reassured himself and then wondered whether he had spoken the statement or simply thought it quite loudly. He heard the rustling of leaves again and his heart began to race. He silently cursed Roslin for making him smoke that weed as it had left him in no condition to be dealing with bears. Luckily his clouded brain began to register a draft on his skin as he realized it was merely the wind causing the rustling. "Stupid drugs," he muttered.

Lee decided to go back to the tents to retrieve some more bread, wondering if everyone got the munchies so quickly. He hesitated briefly before taking the shorter path through the trees. "Be cool, Apollo," he told himself. "You're not afraid of some stupid bear." He tentatively made his way into the woods before he found himself unable to continue moving forward. Not understanding his situation at first, he panicked slightly and twisted around to investigate this new immobility. He saw that his pants had been snagged by a low branch.

"Frak!" he cursed. "Dad's gonna yell at me if I get a hole in my uniform." He gingerly attempted to release himself when he heard a low growl. Turning forward again, Lee found himself face to face with a snarling set of pointy teeth protruding from a brown, furry muzzle inches from his nose. Before he even had time to react, the massive bear launched itself up onto its hind legs and gave a great roar, drowning out Lee's own high-pitched screams as he struggled to break free from the branch he was so inconveniently tethered to.

He soon found his efforts to be unnecessary as he discovered two gargantuan paws on either side of him, lifting him from the confines of the branch high into the air. "Put me down, you frakking BEAR!" Lee demanded of the enraged animal. He heard a snap and felt a searing pain through his shoulder. Before he could thoroughly register the pain, however, he realized he was flying through the air; a realization which was quickly replaced by more pain as he hit another tree and fell to the ground with several more cracks and snaps. Before Lee could even attempt to right himself, he saw something large and brown speeding toward him. Just as he recognized the object as a paw, he felt a stab of sharp and dull agony together, ripping through his shoulder. The bear roared again, waving Lee's now detached arm around in the air with its claws, while Lee clutched his increasingly bloody stump shrieking his misery.

Despite the excruciating pain and severe blood loss, Lee managed to lift himself to his feet staring at his fierce opponent. "Is that all you got, BEAR?" he yelled. "It's only a flesh wound!"

The bear responded by swinging Lee's former arm down to connect soundly with his face, knocking him to the ground again. Knowing he had no more fight left in him, he drifted off into unconsciousness.

* * * * *

Laura Roslin, being the humanitarian she was, had agreed to share a joint with Saul Tigh after he complained that Ellen was hoarding all his stash. They walked together, enjoying the breeze and surprisingly each others company, engaging themselves in a friendly discussion about the different models of airlock. Laura interrupted Tigh's very interesting explanation about how the trapezoid shape had replaced an earlier hexagon shaped hatch when she thought she heard a distant shouting. Although Tigh swore he heard nothing, he reluctantly agreed to accompany Laura to investigate. The pair made their way back toward the spot where she had previously been speaking to Lee. Casting a glance into the trees, Laura saw a bloody mass laying on the ground. "My gods!" she exclaimed. "Lee!"

Tigh followed her as she hurried to the motionless Lee Adama. "What the frak?" he wondered aloud. "Looks like he's been attacked by some sort of animal...but I don't see any tracks or anything..."

"He said he saw a bear earlier, but I just though he was being obnoxious and paranoid," Laura explained. "And now he's dead!"

A small groan came from the dismembered body on the ground and Laura could faintly make out the words, "I'm not dead yet."

"What?" Tigh poked the semi-concious Lee with the toe of his boot.

"He says he's not dead yet!" Laura clarified. "Colonel, go find Cottle, quickly! I'll stay here with him." Colonel Tigh removed his gun from his side and shot Lee in the head. "Colonel!" Laura exclaimed. "What are you doing?"

"Didn't you say, 'Colonel, finish him off, he's an irritating brat anyway?" Tigh asked sounding genuinely confused.

Laura looked at him incredulously. "No, that's not what I said at all!" She protested, fairly sure she was telling the truth. Maybe she had thought it, but even in the smoky haze of her buzz, she was certain she wouldn't say it aloud.

Tigh blinked and looked from Laura to the now most definitely dead Lee. "Frak. My hearing isn't what it used to be."

She sighed in exasperation before giving the Tigh a sympathetic smile and a friendly pat on the cheek. "Well, Colonel, at least you've still got your eyesight."


End file.
